Weak
by Alexiel Reborn
Summary: ONESHOT-Gojyo discovers that all the love in the world can't change a person's feelings. 58 & 38


**- Weak -**

by: Neko-kyolover

-

I always loved him…Hakkai. It was hard at first for me to admit my feelings to myself. I thought I didn't want love, that I didn't need it. I thought that I could just throw it all away and pretend that it never had existed, but then…he came along.

At first, I didn't notice anything. At first all I really thought of him was someone I could hang out with, talk with, joke around with. He was a great guy, honest, funny, and damn lucky with cards. There was something about the way that he was able to find repentance in my eyes, eyes the color of blood, that made me need him around so much. I felt like he was the only one who understood me. The only one who even tried to understand me.

Years past without me even noticing. It's kind of strange how those years that seemed liked paradise all just faded away into one another. Each day I spent with him was the happiness that I had never received as a child. And then our mission started and it couldn't be just me and him anymore. Now there was Sanzo and Goku too. I guess that's when I started to realize, when I had to share him, how much he really meant to me.

Hakkai…well Hakkai wasn't always open with his feelings. He was a brooder. He was the type the keep it all bottled up inside just so that he wouldn't bother other people with his feelings. In a way, I wanted him to let it all out on me, just so that I knew that he trusted me, but he didn't. He would just smile, each fake smile after another as our journey got harder and harder on each and every one of us.

He was so pretty though, with that silly slightly twisted sense of humor and those sparkling green eyes that I loved to bury myself deeper and deeper into their depths. A lot of times I wondered what he thought of me, I wondered if there could have been a chance that he felt the same way about me that I felt for him. I began to flirt with girls a lot more often, but this time just to see his reaction. I wondered if he was jealous or if it was all just my imagination.

There were times that I didn't understand his feelings and I wondered what the hell he was thinking. I wanted to know so bad, but I was scared to ask him. I put it off longer, saying that I would tell him after we finished the mission. After a while I began to wonder if there would ever be an ending to our mission. I gathered up my courage and told myself I would tell him once we reached the next town, but then my resolve would fade by the time sunset came around. Frustrated I would go out looking for a woman to bury my troubles into.

After about a month of wasted time and excuses, I began to notice something odd about him. He began to act…differently, around me, but especially around Sanzo. My eyes could see what was happening clearly, but my heart refused to accept it. I would watch him every day as he sat next to the golden-haired monk and my heart would sink as a true smile would come upon his face, and not because of something I did or something I said. It was because of that bastard next to him. Jealously infused in my heart and I felt stupid and useless.

I was hurting more and more each day. For a long time there I had really thought that there had been a possibility for me and him, but now it was no more. I was resigned to my fate. I was used to love rejecting me. It had happened so many times before. I wanted to move on, I wanted to forget him, but it was impossible seeing him every day.

I finally decided that I should tell him. That I needed to tell him. Even if he didn't love me back, I at least wanted him to know. It was…awkward, saying those words to him, trying to explain in a straightforward fashion, so I did it as simply as possible.

"I love you.." I blurted out, once I had gotten him alone for a few seconds. I felt a blush rise up my cheeks. "You don't have to say anything…'cause I'm not expecting anything…because….I just wanted you to know…"

I felt lame, my words out of place, not like me. I felt stupid and foolish and as soon as those words had left my mouth I desperately wanted them back. He didn't say anything, just sort of looked at me, and smiled oddly. I knew what his answer was. He liked me, but…not like that. I wanted to hear him say it though, to put my heart at rest, whether it was that he loved me back, or more likely didn't care about me that way. Yet, before he could say anything, we were interrupted by that stupid monkey and I never got enough courage after that to ask him about it again.

I was sad, yes, but I grew used to it. The sadness became part of me, and I struggled sometimes not to let it show, but overall I did a pretty good job of convincing everyone else that nothing was wrong. That is, of course, until Hakkai came to me later totally shattering my peace.

It was a cold night and I was sharing a room with the monkey, while Hakkai and Sanzo had their own room next door. I didn't even want to think about them in one room together, it made me sick to my stomach. There was a light knock on my door and he stepped in, with those emerald eyes showing true sadness that I hadn't seen on them in a long time.

"Hey, Gojyo?" he said to me. "Can I talk to you for a moment?"

His voice, that which I had not heard directed towards me in quite some time, sounded so sorrowful.

We went downstairs to the empty bar that was part of the inn that we were staying at. We sat down at a table, darkness surrounded us and only the night's noises bothering our ears.

"Yah, what do you want to talk about, Hakkai?" I asked, curious. Why would he bring me down here in the middle of the night.

"It's just that…I have something really important to tell you….I don't know who else to talk to…and….It's just tearing me up inside." Hakkai was blushing slightly and my curiosity grew, even though I knew that it would probably only be something that hurt me.

"I think…that I…have feelings for Sanzo…" he said quietly.

Those words felt like knives digging into my heart and I tried my best not to wince. Why was he telling me this? Didn't he know that I had feelings for him? That I had told him so? And yet he still wants to tell me these things that could only bring me pain?

Then I realized how selfish I was being. He had come to me with a problem, just like I had wanted him to. That meant that he really trusted me. I gently put my hand on his shoulder, something I had been scared to do ever since I told him about my feelings.

"It's alright. I understand…" I said calmly. He looked up at me and I found that I could no longer look into his eyes. It was just too painful. "…that cold bastard wouldn't feel anything for anyone else even if he had a chance…"

Hakkai chuckled, but I could tell that it was just to cover up his sadness. "I just wish…that I didn't have these feelings for him because I know that they're useless."

Hakkai did something I never expected, he broke down. This must have been going on for a quite a while to make Hakkai into this much of a mess. I let him cry on my shoulder that night because I knew exactly what he was feeling. We were all living in a world where love could get you no where. It was a feeling that only existed to torment you, ever loving someone that could never love you back.

I learned a lesson that night, one I'll never forget. You can love a person more than anyone else in the world. You could worship them, obsess over them, stalk them, beg them, plead and plead, you could be filled with all this love just for one person only to find that they will never love you back no matter if they feel sorry for you or not.

It's because, we never have a choice who we love. I probably could have convinced Hakkai to be with me that night, I could have seduced him, made him think that he loves me, but it would have all been a lie. I didn't want to be Hakkai's second choice, I wanted to be his only one.

And yet, even now, if he asked me to be with him, even when I know that he doesn't love me, I would still say yes. It's because I'm weak and I need him, even if he doesn't love me back.

It's because, just like cards, Hakkai can beat me every time.

**-The End-**

**Author's Note:** This is basically just some things I've been discovering with some nonexistent relationships with certain people. Most of what happened in this story is based on stuff that happened in my life. Thanks for reading.


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